totally forgot that when I booked my flight to new zealand that I’d miss our first ever poly fest in Alaska 😩 not to mention SAMMY J will be performing 😭 he’ll probably even visit the LDS church who knows? 😖 siiiiiiigh* but it’s ok, new zealand will be an adventure in and of itself 😢
Thank you and no I haven’t gotten the chance to read the Telesa trilogy but I hear it’s a good read! It’s on my list for sure :)
call it nostalgia but I was browsing through good 80’s movies to watch and I just about splurged on awesome hits from the 80’s..
fishing trips w/ the family - one of my favorite childhood memories.
I recall cramped car rides with my siblings, snack stops at the store prior to the hour and a half drive, and lots and lots of bonding time.. I miss those days.
something felt odd about last nights conversation - out of place almost, an uneasy feeling of insincere mutterings of the same old thing, an overall vibe of ingenuity as if he owed it to me to profess and even express some type of “love”, feeling, or emotion that wasn’t even there in the first place. I sensed it throughout much of the conversation and looking back now, it really just puts it all into perspective.
I thought of all the time consuming letters I put my heart and soul into, the packages and the phonecalls and seemingly endless conversations, did these mean anything?
and then I got mad at myself for being so foolish investing myself emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
it wasn’t until I checked my debit card billings that I knew the extent of the situation..
the red -$145 balance blared through on my phone. I had spent nearly 200 bucks in desperation to talk to him.. (calling cards suck) it was then that I saw all of my efforts configured in one simple bill. and that’s when I knew this “friendship” was going nowhere.
it was a reflection (in some strange way) of how the friendship had been going all along. I was investing too much and getting back so little. suppose I was so wrapped up in the idea of love, the idea of him.
the more rational side pleaded me to be angry and kick him to the curb but a strange peace came over me as I came home from work that day and it inspired me to forgive. forgive not for his sake, but mine. I deserved peace if anything.
I let the experience sink in and let it motivate me, empower me to pick up the pieces and bookmark this part of my life in hopes of someday (not now) finding what I so rightly deserve - someone who will treat me right.
realizing all this was a big slap in the face, a wake up call, and one I am so grateful I had.
I’m not so much bitter as I am disappointed and I’m learning to forgive myself. one factor that has helped me get through this is realizing that life goes on. It really does, and sometimes that is the only closure you have or perhaps even really need.